There's a big bowl of Christmas candy on the counter top in the kitchen. Both of you have been asking throughout the day to have a little piece here and there. Before putting you down for bed tonight, I let you each have a little piece and told you both that that was the last of it for today, and you were not to have any more. Two minutes later, as I'm walking out of the bathroom, I almost ran into you, Caleb, as you're carrying your favorite step stool.
"Where are you going with that step stool, buddy?"
"I'm going to see the bowl of candy."
"But I told you that we're all done with the candy tonight, no more."
You respond shyly, "I'm not going to eat it, just look at it..."
And so here we are...like father, like son. I've told people before about how I cried the day that Cristin first told me that she was pregnant. And it wasn't tears of joy, more fear. I was scared to death...not in the sense that I wouldn't be able to provide or give you what you needed. No, I trust God to take care of our needs. I was terrified of having a boy, a son, someone to take on my image and potentially fall in all the same pits and habitual ruts. I was terrified of creating a little version of me. Ben Folds says it best in his song 'Still Fighting It', written to his little boy: "and you're so much like me / I'm sorry".
I'm reminded today that there is no promise of greatness in and of ourselves. There is nothing to say that I won't be a complete and utter failure as a husband and father. And the same can be said for both of you. I can't promise you that you'll be successful. I'm sorry. I wish that were different. I wish I could promise that you'll be great husbands and fathers and men. But there's no magic pill you can swallow to make you more sacrificial. There's no three-step plan to perfect manhood. And there's no silver bullet for the monster that resides in all of us. I've learned that there are two basic types of men in this world...and forgive the gross oversimplification here: Listening learners and Experiential learners.
Listening learners, I've always admired. They're the men who only need to be told what is right and what is wrong. They're the men who see the downfall of others and take extensive mental notes on 'what not to do'. They're the men who understand that nobody is immune to failure and the monster that resides within themselves. They're the men who understand that the most valuable things in their lives, are often only one compromise away from being stripped from their hands.
Experiential learners...these men see the downfall of others, but think the consequences will be different for them. These men don't take anyone's word for face value, and while this can be a good trait in moderation, they fail to see the physical proof that is right in front of them. They think they are bigger, stronger, more capable than they actually are. As dishonest as they are with others, they are moreso with themselves. They live life in this mode of expectation that all will end up okay in the end. But there is no promise of that.
You see, I'm not crazy for being so struck by something as simple and mundane as getting a step-stool to "look" at a bowl of sweet sweet candy. Because I understand all too well the mentality of an experiential learner. I know what happens when you look. Looking turns to wanting. Wanting turns to longing. Longing turns to crisis. And crisis usually turns to taking. "...but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." James 1:14-15
I wish with all my heart that there was something I could do to ensure your greatness as husbands, fathers and men, but there's not. I'm not even sure how much I understand or grasp most of the time. I wish with all my heart that there were some magic words that would cut straight to your hearts and stick with you for life...but there's not. In the end, at some point, you will be released to make your own decisions. Hear me now...be quick to listen. Your greatness as husbands, fathers and men will only come about by the choices and decisions, however large or small, that you choose to make. That is the difference between a successful life and a wasted life.
Life is a tightrope. Keep your eyes on the end and your feet on the path. Don't look to the left or to the right...there's nothing for you there except empty space and destruction. Don't make the same mistakes I've made. You're not immune...the same consequences that have followed my decisions will follow you as well, should you choose to make the same. And recognize now...there is a monster inside of you. Feed him, and he'll grow bigger than you and stronger than you. Starve him, and he'll weaken. Introduce him to the Savior, and he'll surely die...one day. Until that day...listen. Listen to the Savior's voice. Heed His instruction. Open yourself to His work in you. And for God's sake, don't deceive yourselves with actions so simple-minded as "looking"...because it leads to death. I love you both with all my heart.
Daddy
